Thursdays

 I had a fairly draining day at work on Thursday; Thursdays are always the worst. It always makes it tougher to make it through a sedentary day when you have no energy, ironically enough. At 5pm I couldn't get out of the building fast enough to join Nat for a curry date at Bombay Palace. I tried a dish that I hadn't found on the Tandoori Palace's menu – though I forgot the name it was another lamb dish which was allegedly somewhat BBQ flavored though I couldn't taste it. They made it reasonably spicy, but more flavorful spicy and even though I hardly put any rice on my dish my mouth certainly wasn't burning, may have been a tad sniffly though. I don't like the lamb at Bombay Palace – the cuts are way too big for a curry dish and it's always gamey and tough, though the butter chicken does melt in your mouth. I may have to settle for chicken next time I'm in there.

After dinner I walked with Nat over to Harry's and relaxed by the fire as he began work. I was still quite worn out, physically from not having gotten enough sleep the night before, a tired that no amount of caffeine would be able to cure. I was looking forward to meeting up with James for a beer at Monty's later in the night, but for a little while I just needed to zone out and stare into the fire.

I had an epiphany last night while I was sitting by the fire at Harry's, taking a moment to warm up and chill out. Exhausted from the day I even began crying, in a way I tried to both hide and embrace, crying being an excellent release from stress in my opinion. "I don't mind working hard - I love working hard," I said to several of my friends last night, "I just like to have a focus, a goal to work towards."

It's difficult in my job here, and also was the worst part of the trial at Les Alpes, because I'm being told what to do by several people and having to do small tasks here and there. Yesterday was actually a perfect example of the frustration stemming from my tasks, when I was asked to call up a company to request missing statements and invoices, and while I was on the phone realized that the ones that were missing matched up to each other. "Maybe you should figure out what you have before you call," the woman said on the phone. Honestly, if they wanted to get paid, I think they could afford a tad more patience.

I'm not sure if I get paid to think at this job - I suppose in some ways I do - I am paid to use good sense and judgement, pay attention to detail, and be able to use logic, but at least I don't have to take my work home with me. Last night I felt, in a small way, that I almost was taking my work home with me, knowing there were several tasks I left unfinished, though I had no responsibility to work on them or think about them while I was away from the office. The important thing that I realized was, I want to take my work home with me. I want to work on something. I want to go back to the science lab. That's when I started crying.

I was afraid, like a bad relationship, to go back. I was afraid of the commitment, afraid of failing, afraid of not finding satisfaction and happiness in that line of work, as if I'd rather not do it at all than not be satisfied. Yes, I saw my lab research like a bad relationship that had caused me heartache and apprehension. Well, at least I know the best thing is to admit I have a problem, and maybe, just maybe, if this feeling sticks around, I can do something about it.

Instead, I came back into the moment and did something about my lack of beer at the end of my work day. I said goodbye to Nat, who was busy making pizzas for the women there for the hens party, and made my way back up to the office, about a quarter or half past 6pm to see if James was still working. “I figured you'd still be here,” I said as I saw him at the desk.

James said he would be another 20 minutes or so, and understanding quite well that the most efficient work gets done when no one else is in the office I left him to it and checked my email and facebook and all those fun things sitting over at my desk. In just a few moments we were off to beer happiness at Monty's Thursday night Recession Session.

I got the first round of Monty's Black beer and James got the second. It was definitely smoother and easier to drink than some of the thicker dark beers, with the same flavor that I absolutely love. I'm glad I had waited about an hour after dinner to enjoy my beers; they settled my stomach and didn't overfill it – perfect. I chatted with James over our delicious beers about work mostly, both working for Good Group and working while traveling, agreeing that while you're on holiday traveling if you don't enjoy your job it's best to quit. On one hand I'm hoping that James will take over Tom's job in payroll, and I think that's what he wants to do, but the trouble there is that they really need someone to be there long term, whereas James is definitely on a see-how-it-goes basis with any kind of work, as am I. I'm still hoping to find a job to work at night by the end of August, but I'm very much settled into my position now, and its perks, and I would quite honestly miss my desk and my job if I left it without having something better lined up.

As we were chatting Hannah came inside to use the loo and suggested we head over to Pub on Wharf with her and Bobbi after our drinks. James and I are in total agreement that we need to get the whole office together for an after-work drink some time. We've had drinks with Hannah and Tom, and I had seen Rochelle out that one time in Harry's, but we definitely need to go to a pub in town after work with everyone, including Yvonne and Giles. The work bar is alright but we need to get the Good Group office out on the town, not sheltered in one of our own bars either.

James and I walked over to Pub on Wharf, where I was quite happy that we stayed inside to drink for half the time before heading outside for James and Bobbi to smoke. Leaving wine still in their glasses, Hannah and Bobbi decided it was time to head home for some dinner some time around 9pm, leaving James and I to head over to Harry's, as I always do. I at least wanted to show him some of our own bars, Harry's of course being my favorite. We stayed for a short time, and I decided to drag my exhausted self back up the hill, both worn out yet in a way full of energy from such a hearty dinner and three pints of black beer.